"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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