went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
