in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
