i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We need to get me chipped asap
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
