I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
