the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
