I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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