I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
