if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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