so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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