I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
