Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is the high leading the old right now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want nice things and good sex
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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