the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My ass is underappreciated
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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