Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
