My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
