yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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