Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
