Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
