I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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