there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
