Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
