shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You ruined the universe
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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