So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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