i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
