A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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