I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
