I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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