I just threw up on my dentist
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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