I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
