So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
