I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
