dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The Olympian is in my bed
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
