If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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