I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
