I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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