I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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