i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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