Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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