I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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