I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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