i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
