My pussy is not your playground.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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