Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
