Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
