So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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