Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize