playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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