I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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