we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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