Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
