At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
