I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
