since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
