Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
