dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
