Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
