I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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